Archive for December 2011

Michael Feldman’s 2011: 12 Months 12 Jokes

December 27, 2011

2011: 12 Months 12 Jokes

January: President Obama says the economy’s in great shape, so if you’re broke it’s your own fault.

February: Wisconsin Governor Walker pranked by someone claiming to be the Ghost of Christmas Past.

March: Huge rally at Capitol marks the first time 100,000 people have gathered in Wisconsin without Bucky Badger doing touchdown pushups.

April: Congressman Paul Ryan introduces The Path to Prosperity, formerly known as The Road to Ruin.

May: In Hangover III, they wake up on the floor of Congress.

June: Suspicious package at Capitol
surprisingly not Weiner’s.

July: Negotiators agree to not raise the debt ceiling but lower the debt floor.

August: TSA airport security will now tuck a dollar in your waistband before the patdown.

September: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell reverts to marital use.

October: Steve Job’s remains left in a Mexican restaurant in Palo Alto.
November: A fifth woman says Herman Cain did the Fred Sanford chest- clutching routine endlessly.
December: After pulling one out in the final seconds, Obama takes a Tebow.

5 Things to Look for in 2012

December 26, 2011

5 Things to Look For in 2012

1. A grant from the Steve Jobs Charitable Trust.
2. Any interest around here in Adele.
3. A reason not to shut down the government.
4. Flash mob Occupies replacing long term commitments with the show stopping “My Life Would Suck Without You” from Glee II on the steps of the NYSE.
5. Mayan ruins reassembling.

5 Things to Look For in 2012

December 26, 2011

5 Things to Loo from the Steve Jobs Charitable Trust.
2. Any interest around here in Adele.
3. A reason not to shut down the government.
4. Flash mob Occupies replacing long term commitments with the show stopping “My Life Would Suck Without You” from Glee II on the steps of the NYSE.
5. Mayan ruins reassembling.

Michael Feldman

In Defense of Santa

December 22, 2011

In Defense of Santa Claus

The Christmas parade used to come right down Center Street in Milwaukee—a half block from our house—and one year, I was seven or eight, I crawled under one of the cream puff Pontiacs in the Uptown used car lot (our Christmas lights were the bulbs strung over the car lots endemic to our neighborhood) to sneak a peek at Santy. He wasn’t ours, of course, and when I crawled out from under the front bumper and he seemed to wave at me in passing, I felt like a fraud. It wasn’t a question of whether Santa existed or not, but more like whether I did. I had Santa envy, bad. Mom did take me to Gimbel’s to get my picture taken with him when I was about three (couldn’t find that picture when we cleaned out mom’s things—and it was the one I wanted most!) and one Chanukah we even hung stockings from the mantle, but it was a fake fireplace and nothing came of it. Come to think of it, I don’t know which came first, the revelation that there may have been no Santa Claus or that we were Jewish and it was a moot point. For a while I thought Rabbi Twerski was our Santa Claus, since not only was he a ringer for him, he was all sweetness, light, and generosity. I just never brought it up during my Bar Mitzvah mahfter studies.

In fact, St. Nicholas, with his white beard and black robes, very much resembled a rabbi, although it must be said that he was Bishop of Myra in the fourth century, in what is now Turkey. There, through his beneficence and courageous interventions on behalf of the poor and disenfranchised, he became the most venerated saint of the middle ages; protector of the poor, sailors, charitable and benevolent organizations, merchants, pawnbrokers (?), unmarried women and, above all, children, whose lives he saved and families he fed in his miracles. Nicholas was the benefactor of children in a time when childhood did not even exist, let alone any protections for the young. St. Nicholas gave away his personal fortune to those in need, riding into legend on a white horse, putting little toys or cinders, as appropriate, in children’s boots left outside their doors. St Nick was sometimes accompanied by the needlessly scary ogre Krampus, who apparently was bad cop to his good. Neglected after the Reformation, Nicholas holed up in Holland as Sinterklaas, and even adapted to the changing times, often sailing into Amsterdam harbor at the wheel of a steamboat filled with presents and, of course, more than enough coal left over. Sinterklaas sailed with the Dutch colonists to New Amsterdam, where, like so many immigrants, his name was Americanized not to Jack Nicklaus as you might have expected but to Santa Claus, which stuck. Santa was soon was recognized in the New World, as he had been in the Old, as the personification of benevolence, good will, and giving during Christmas, and at other times as needed.
Times like these! Merry Christmas!

(c) lois clarkson

All the Holiday News That Isn’t

December 19, 2011

All the Holiday News That Isn’t
12-19-11

That time of year again–hard to believe there’s only 339 shopping days ’til Black Friday.

And in All the Holiday News That Isn’t–

God particle discovered in manger.

Wisemen and hangerson occupy Bethlehem.

Increasing numbers around country celebrating Tim Tebowmas.
It’s a little harder putting the Tim Tebow back in Christmas.

Newt the Grinch makes gradeschoolers pull Santa’s sleigh.

Speaker John Boehner ties Christmas to oil pipeline.

President and Mrs. Obama pointedly celebrate everything but Kwanzaa.

Rick Perry can only name 3 days of Christmas.

Ron Paul celebrates Tax Freedom Day instead of Christmas, which he calls an illegally mandated power grab by the Fed.

Drone successfully places star atop National Christmas Tree then lands in Tehran.

Callista Gingrich sagging under weight of Tiffany ornaments.

Biblical scholars now believe Nativity star was abandoned Russian Mars probe.

Some concern over who’s on other end of Justin Bieber’s miseltoe.

Parole hearing scheduled for Lindsay Lohan after blouse found stuffed with bourbon balls.

Formerly Cat Stevens to star in Yusef Islam’s All-American Muslim Holiday Show, sponsored by Lowes.

The Brewers’ Ryan Braun says it must have been the sprinkles on the Christmas cookies.

The Romneys’ Christmas card shows Santa’s sleigh being pulled by team of salamanders.

In an echumenical gesture, Mormon Tabernacle Choir to perform Yentl.

At Penn State, the Sanduskys decide to skip their holiday hospital visits to sick kids and just send iTunes gift cards.

Canadians still divided between Christmas and Boxing Day, even though there hasn’t been a Canadian boxer worth mentioning since Sam Langford.

LA Clippers have a merry little Chris Paul.

Kim Kardashian sporting huge lump of coal on finger.

And here in Wisconsin, Kris Kringle signs Walker recall petition 5,000 times–and they have to count it! It’s the miracle of Christmas 2011—

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and a Wonderful New Year!

Rick Perry’s 1 Toke Over the Line

December 12, 2011

rick perry’s 1 toke over the line

All the News That Isn’t for December 12, 2011

December 12, 2011

12-12-11

Only 347 shopping days til Black Friday.

Rick Perry says kids in school can only celebrate Christmas if they’re openly gay.

Syria’s Assad says only a madman would talk to Barbara Walters. Refuses to say what type of tree he would hang from.

President Obama down to bragging about the Osama hit. Not like he was at the controller.

The drone again. On and on about the drone. Over and over and over. Drone this, drone that. Drone the other.

The good news is that the Iranians actually recovered a Chevy Volt–and they’re designed to burst into flame on impact.

Judging by the pictures, the Iranians got themselves a Roomba robotic vacuum. They can reverse engineer it and finally get a working flying carpet.

Anyway, the drone is completely useless without the XBox.

In other news–

Fox exec waves a list of 171 known communists on Sesame Street.

Suspicions were raised after the Muppets won the Russian elections.

Kermit says “It ain’t easy being Red.”

In his latest flip-flop, Romney says he never was Mormon, really.

Romney says he’s been married to the same women for 42 years.

Iowans liken Newt surge to a boar in the hog pond.

Gingrich says Iowans an invented people.

Trump debate down to him and Newt and a bottle of Wesson.

Mail slowdown means I’ll only get the Shopper Stopper every other day.

Even Jesus didn’t come back as often as Tim Tebow.

Kentucky church will now accept anybody not from Tennessee.

Spare the Rod spoil the Blagojevich.

With 3 governors the Illinois State Pen could use a little help from the other branches of government.

Albert Pujols will serve three 10-year contracts concurrently.

250 million is the most a man named pooh hole has ever earned.

What do they expect to find strip searching elderly ladies? Depends.

Unfortunately, the plane was on the ground when they ejected Alec Baldwin.

What’s surprising about the Facebook security hole is that Mark Zuckerburg has private pictures. Not so surpising is that they’re of him with a chicken.

Putin says Hillary caused the Russian masses to riot–must be her new Lenin-like ‘do.

Study finds more empathy in rats than in US Congress.

If they’re bringing back the Dodge Dart they better bring back the rust proofing package, and

My estate’s in order: Packers stock and 3 magic beans . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .