Archive for September 2011

All the News That Isn’t for 9/26/11

September 26, 2011

9-26-11

Remember when shutting down the government seemed like a bad thing?

Tea party: Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything

Satellite falls on Ron Paul. Supposed to pick him up and return him home, but it crashed.

Particle smarter than Einstein discovered.
A subatomic particle that scampers when you turn on the lights.

HP ends up on eBay.

Google debate produces no results.

Perry scored on immigration when he said you don’t know how hard it is to get Americans to pick lettuce.

Romney pledged social security will be buried in a lockbox in the Granite Mountains in Utah. Guarded by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Bachmann stepped in it again, saying the stem cell injections made Perry retarded.

Cain claimed he invented stuffed crust.

House votes to shut down Red Sox.

Responding to death penalty criticism, Perry ends last meals.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell reverts to marital use.

NPR ends Wait, Wait, Don’t Ask Me, Don’t Tell Me policy.

Palestinian state to be called Isnotrael.

President Obama offers Palestinians a theme park instead of a state–6 Flags Over Palestine.

Now the Anabaptists want their own state.

Post Office will deliver babies.

Woman with 3 uteruses delivers twins and a pound of bacon.

Existing home sales rise; unfortunately the families go with them.

President Obama transformed into Give ’em Hell, Barry.

President Obama’s 3 trillion in cuts come from Warren Buffet’s IRA.

Germans will underwrite Euro debt if they can burn Paris.

S&P downgrades Italy, wakes up next to horse’s head.

Greece finds cure for economy: Windex.

Asian carp make it up Lake Michigan as far as Skokie where they are gefilte fished.

Warden’s wife who ran off with killer sentenced to speed dating at Oklahoma State Reformatory.

President Obama gets simple inpatient procedure to appeal to Jewish vote.

Rick Perry says Jew’all come on down, hear?

Most Jewish Texans support Neiman-Marcus

and Slippery Rock joins the Big 12 . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

All the News That Isn’t

September 19, 2011

9/19/2011

President to tax fat cats by the pound.

Better to tax the rich than eat them.

FBI forensics unit retouching Scarlett Johansson photos.

Praying that Michele Bachmann hasn’t taken any nude photos of herself or Marcus.

Kate Gosselin has several hundred gigabytes of sexts out there but no bites yet.

Salacious biography renews interest in Sarah Palin if not her candidacy.

President Obama lambasted for solar panel investment gets no credit for getting in on the ground floor of the Genie Bra.

Rethinking his words, Rick Perry now says Social Security is a Fonzie scheme.

Governor Perry offers a million new jobs in Texas, although they’re all in lettuce. And seasonal. And you have to be undocumented.

Perry says letter carriers could carry lettuce.

To prove the safety of the HPV vaccine Perry got the shot himself and his cervix has never felt better. Although that was about the time his neck retracted.

Donald Rumsfeld cancels the New York Times–no funnies.

President Obama crafts new message for 2012–Yes, We Republi-Can.

Bill Clinton made a much better Republican.

Latest polls show no one likes anyone. And dropping.

Suggesting they may lack compassion, Republican crowd lowers burning car on man.

Super committee no closer to finding God Particle.

Al Gore holding breath for climate change–that much less CO2.

16 Tea Party-free planets discovered.

In New York, new Weiner doglegs to the right.
Surprised anybody would want Weiner’s seat.

Palestinians to seek statehood as Michigan.

Big new NASA rocket looks surprisingly like rehabbed Saturn V display model. May be going back to the moon to retrieve the golf clubs.

The trio who had a cross country three-way in the first class john with an F-16 escort say it doesn’t get any better than this.

CNN hosting the Flat Earth Society debates. Same cast of characters.

What about those debates–the candidates looked like the crazy side on Family Feud.

TSA says shoes stay on pants come off.
If they ask you to turn your head and cough, rethink your travel plans.

In tapes just released, Jackie Kennedy says “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” my ass.
Says that LBJ once lifted her up by the ears.
Reveals that her true love was Vaughn Meader.

Where’s Waldaffi?

Sponge Bob Square Pants accused of molesting Veggie Tales’ Archibald Asparagus.

Rick Perry’s Social Security still in Al Gore’s lockbox.

Sperm donor who fathered 150 children says they all look like the mother.

Mel Gibson will put the Judas in Maccabee.

Romney admits all the jobs he created are in Mumbai.

For anti-Semitic remarks Galliano sentenced to work for Jewish Dior.

Amazon rocket disappears in Amazon cloud.

Justice Ginsburg crosses sliding down an emergency chute at Dulles off her bucket list, and

The molecule-sized electric motor not all that useful . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .