Archive for July 2011

All the Impasse That Isn’t

July 25, 2011

July 25, 2011

Orange alert from Speaker Boehner.

Debt ceiling collapses on gang of 6; Cantor, at kids table, crawls away.

And they were just this far apart, as dad used to say.

Each side charging it’s the other’s default.

The government will simply “forget” to sign the checks when paying bills.

Impasse comes even after the President moved the goal posts right up to Mr. Boehner’s toe. Problem was Mitch McConnell flinched while holding the ball.

President Obama has lessened the impact of a default by taking a reverse mortgage on the white House.

Additionally, he decreed August 2nd to be September 15.

Congress passes Plan 9 from Outer Space.

When your only check and balance is Jon Stewart, you know you’re in trouble.

In other impasses–

NFL owners OK contract, will take the field in August. Got a lot of trainin’ to do, Lucy.

Space shuttle Atlantis goes condo in Huntsville, AL, subdivision, alongside some very nice converted Saturn boosters.

Now begins a private race to the moon very much like “Despicable Me.”

There’s just 60 days left to Ask & Tell, Marcus Bachmann.

Even more to the Bachmann family story since Michele is really Michael. Explains the migraines.

Tiger fires the caddy who hand the club to Elin.

Straw poll has Katy Perry over Rick ten to one.

This just in–negotiators have agreed to not raise the debt ceiling but lower the debt floor.

Rupert Murdoch says he thought the hacking was whooping cough.

Murdoch tells Parliament down came a jumbuck to drink beside the billabong up jumped the swagman and seized him with glee
and he sang as he tucked jumbuck in his tuckerbag.

In something akin to the alignment of heavenly bodies, both Hugh Grant and the Taliban are hacked on the same day.

14 year old hacks NATO into NA and TO.

B list celebs lining up to be hacked by News Corp.

Wendi Deng testing waters in Iowa. She’s proven she can kiss a pig.

Google + skewed towards the full-figured.

New Apple Lion OS delivered through implant in base of skull.

Casey Anthony spotted skating past muscle beach on Venice CA boardwalk.

Definitely not her couponing at the Sav-Mor in Kalamazoo.

“Cut off his penis and put it through the disposal” the worst “that’s what she said” ever.

Minnesota has about 3500 of the lakes up and running.

Dalai Lama reworks the feng shui in the Obama map room.

Taverns open their doors to victims of heat wave.

So hot that a lot of guys concealing and carrying are going off in their pants.
But that’s protected under the second amendment, too.

Poll reveals 62% of Americans believe there may be a better country but can’t find it on a map.

Survey finds baby boomers not afraid of losing their looks. Second survey finds they should be.

Republican gerrymandering pushes Wisconsin democrats into the UP.

And–boy–the summer is going fast–Cubs already up to 39 victories . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t

Bustier in the Freezer & Other Tips to Beat the Heat

July 21, 2011

Keep a Cool Dome Under the Heat Dome

1. Get ready for fun out of the sun with wet t-shirt and fruit of the loom contests in the comfort of your own home. You can’t lose when you cool off and your marriage heats up!

2. Turn off all heat sources including family and pets. Why stoke up a the oven when you can cook with a parabolic mirror hastily fashioned from the satellite dish you stopped throwing money at anyway? Pull the plug on your energy death star Kelvinator and get to eat your way through it before it all goes bad. Unscrew or yank all light bulbs, microwaves, chargers, air fresheners, smoke alarms, home dialysis units, mangles and those hair crimpy things. What, are you heating the entire neighborhood?

3. Adjust your pilot light. That’s what she said. You know it’s the little things. That’s what she said. Should climate stress be prolonged, blow out the pilot entirely and take the gas, but only in Oregon.

4. Where possible, rotate your house so the windows face north. Have a mobile home that’s actually mobile? Perfect–rule of thumb is keep the rising and the setting sun behind you, even if it means you end up back at the trailer park.

5. Still 82 when you go to bed? No problemo. Haul your comforters down to the park, like we used to, and enjoy nature’s air conditioner while muggers and thieves enjoy yours.

6. Line the recliner arms with Red White and Blue’s and pour over stacks of Popular Pseudo-Science proving there is no global warming beyond the shadow of a doubt. You may not do anything about the weather, like the fella said, but why be like he who would stand in the gutter and stare into the sun?

7. If you have wings made of feathers and wax do not fly too close to the sun. Try wearing 2 caps, one forward and one back. Eat only white things that reflect heat–Wonder Bread, Weiss beer, cod, the milky Jell-O they used to serve in Chinese restaurants. Make long lists of things that have nothing in common. Guys, take a chance on a shorty mesh tee shirt pushing manly things around Sam’s Club, and, gals, why not keep a bustier in the freezer?

8. Push Sugar over a bit, lay face down on the nice cool hall floor and let the dog walk over you for a change. To cool hindquarters, simply roll over–any belly scratching you get is gravy.

9. Fill the bathtub with ice cold gin and bob for olives. Languish for a while–you deserve it!

10. Move. Although, it is hot all over.

All the News That Isn’t for July 5

July 5, 2011

June 5, 2011

Khadafi lured into surrender with giant publishers clearinghouse check.

NATO doing flyovers over Minnesota.

Lake Woebehere in Minnesota shutdown.

Did Tim leave Minnesota in debt? Pawlenty!

Land of 10,000 empty holes.

Even Garrison has dried up.

Michele Bachmann raced back to Minnesota with a plunger. And hundreds of thousands in much needed federal Christian anger management.

Strauss-Kahn dines out with wife, stiffs server.

After verdict in Blagojevich trial, Rod turns to Patti and tries to sell her seat.

The good news is Illinois is now bipartisan on the penitentiary level.

President Obama very nearly gets his gay on. Went as far as metrosexual.
The president supports marriage for the ambivalent.

Pretty good the buck stops there speech the other day.

The president got his daughter’s age wrong, but kids and the debt grow so darn fast!

Threatened to take away congress’s sweet car leases before the fourth of July weekend.

Nigerian man with fake papers who flew across the country says he was mugged in Wales and they took everything including his lottery winnings.

Iowa closes borders.

Trying to keep the pigs in and the candidates out.

Michelle Bachmann has already adopted 27 piglets in Waterloo. Named one John Wayne Piggy.

Pentagon wanted to use nuclear option on Los Alamos fire.

On the upside, the Los Alamos shutdown set the doomsday clock back 5 minutes.

Greece charges debt to Turkey.

Senate stayed in session over the Fourth weekend debating Audi vs. BMW leases.

Tea party bus tour stalls after refusing to pay tolls.

Bristol says Michele just a Palin imitation.

Rhode Island OK’s little same-sex marriages.

Political analyst on Morning Joe kind of a dick.

Best punishment for Strauss-Kahn would be president of France.

NBA locks out NFL who leaves NHL out in the cold.
Looks like a good year for amateur sports.

Shia says less Transformers, more Megan Fox.

Critics cry “Horsefeathers!” after Wisconsin’s Professor Wagstaff hires quarterback in speakeasy who turns out to be Harpo . . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t