Archive for May 2011

All the News That Isn’t 5-31-11

May 31, 2011

5-31-11

Oprah’s riderless horse paraded down Pennsylvania Avenue.

A scene right out of Thriller when Michael Jackson turns up on Oprah’s last show.

This time the audience found Oprah under their seats.

Oprah went straight to her bucket list–a bucket of macaroni.

In other news-

Highlight of the European vacation was the Obamas moving in with that German couple they thought they were related to. Oh, wait, that was the Griswolds.

Well, then, the highlight would have to be beer pong with Cameron.
Or, when the President thought he was stroking the Queen’s corgi.

Chrysler pays back loans still no word from Plymouth.

Mars rover and Tiger Woods both end their careers in sand trap.

Limbaugh ratings dropping faster than the pounds.

Debt ceiling collapses on House, congressman-sniffing dogs sent in.

Paulie Ryan’s rejected Path to Prosperity reintroduced as Road to Ruin.

Somebody should dress Paulie Ryan up like an old man and stick him in the ER.

Sarah Palin–the bus to nowhere.

Doomsday prophet now says it’s a lawn chair and helium balloons in October or bust.

Tressel tied to trestle.
The Buckeye don’t fall too far from the tree.

War criminal Ratko Mladic discovered through his Tiffany account.

Patriot Act passes but Euphemism Act stalled.

House republicans admit they have to do a better job selling the Final Solution.

Steve Jobs releases iCloud from heaven.

Wisconsin’s governor Walker says concealed weapons will work as voter ID.

And, in Hangover III, they wake up on the floor of Congress . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

All the News That Isn’t

May 23, 2011

May 23, 2011

Devil may care WI governor Walker raptures anyway causing extensive damage to state capitol in ascent.

Rapture failure causing concern over which structures may have been built by 89 year old civil engineer Harold Campling.

Hedging his bets Stephen Hawking says if there is a heaven he qualifies for pre-boarding.

President Obama demands democratic reform in Syria, Libya, Tunisia, Yemen and Wisconsin.

Mr. Obama says in exchange for Israel going back to 1967 borders the US will go back to its 1803 borders and give back all the stuff Lewis & Clark stole.

For some reason Israel’s 1967 border made a strong impression on 6 year old Barry Obama.

First new Arnold Schwarzenegger film will be “Sperminator.”

Frustrated PlayStation shooters take to street with joysticks.

Japan will replace nuclear energy with the emperor rubbing his feet on the carpet.

Republicans play Red Rover, no one comes over.

Poll shows Mickey Mouse leading the Republican pack.

Mitch Daniels to devote more time to runaway wife.
Lets the door hit him on the front of the head while leaving.

Pawlenty Pawlittle Pawlate

Jewish Arab agreement to divide up country clubs and Mercedes dealerships
falls through when rapture fails to occur.

Newt severs own tail this time does not grow back.

Former IMF head denied bed-turndown before release.
House arrest in Upper East Side condo falls through due to lack of maid service.

President depicts 2 state solution in Mideast–dismay and disbelief.

President Obama pelted with blintzes addressing a Jewish group.

Tells the Irish they’re his kind of -ish.

Mr. Obama told a Jewish group he will turn on the lights in temple on shabbos for a year to make it up.

Democrats accused of kicking a man when he’s Mitt Romney.

With Huntsman running Mormons have minyan.

Wisconsin reichstag requires voters to get ID tattoos on left forearms.

Destroying the Gulf of Mexico earns BP 12 billion in tax write-offs.

French reaction to the Straus-Kahn arrest predictable: they can’t believe it wasn’t the bellhop.

Stephen Hawking says there is no debt ceiling.

Gilbert Gottfried will replace Garrison Keillor in Prairie Home Kvetch.

Google introduces Chromebook, a doorstop that loads in 8 seconds.

iPod 5 has a rotary dial and bakelite cradle. It’s iLittle, it’s iLovely, it iLights.

Khaddaffy tent is booted.

Wisconsin’s Herb Kohl goes back to his first love, groceries. Russ Feingold signs on as bag boy.

Paulie Ryan’s mom won’t sign off on run for Senate–still pissed about her Medicare.
President tells graduates the future–minus 12 trillion or so–is yours.

Arnold love child discovered after the 10 year old bench pressed his mother.

Even more disturbing, a lot of the shepherd pups look like Arnold.

Maria made a huge mistake if she though Arnold was going to be cool about it like the Kennedys.

Bishops say it was the 60’s “if it feels good do it” seminaries that caused all the problems.

Santorum says John McCain was never tortured in a meaningful way.

John McCain says torture is listening to Rick Santorum.

In his last audio tape bin Laden praises Girls Gone Wild Dubai.

Coffee eliminates women’s prostate risk and

How can we miss Oprah when she won’t go away?

That’s All the News that Isn’t

All the News That Isn’t

May 2, 2011

May 2, 2011

OBL: R.I.H.

Trump demands to see William and Kate’s marriage certificate.

Honeymooning at grandmas a bad idea no matter how grand. Not that there hasn’t been some traipsing around Balmoral Castle.

Good thing William got married before the pattern baldness got any worse–the man needs a crown.

The Obamas didn’t go to the wedding because Barack doesn’t have a passport, either.

President Obama actually released Fred Armisen’s birth certificate.

Obama demands Trump provide psychiatric evaluation.

Trump really pissed Obama gets all the credit for Osama bin-Laden and he gets none for Gary Busey.

For a guy who doesn’t like foreigners Trump sure marries a lot of them.

In the latest outburst Trump doesn’t believe the President wears size 12 shoes, demands to see the receipt.

Swift birthers demand John Kerry’s birth certificate.

NFL players reporting are clipped, held, face-masked and horse-collared.

Owners all helmet no balls.

Knew something was up when they held the draft in the Walmart parking lot.

Cam Newton goes at number one, Fig still out in the cold.

Speaker Boehner against any oil subsidies other than his own.

Pauly Ryan’s ethical suicide parlors bomb big time in Janesville.

Trump crumbles in New Hampshire like the Old Man of the Mountain.

Only surprise so far in the Wisconsin supreme court recount are the 10,000 Nixon votes in Waukesha county. No surprise, really.

The entire Brookfield Zoo voted Republican as expected.

Iraqi poll watchers have been overseeing the vote recount in Wisconsin.

Katie Couric is leaving the Colonoscopy Broadcasting System for parts unknown.

Sarah Palin wished her a semi-colon.

Best thing about a Ron Paul presidency–Mrs. Paul for first lady!
And, of course, Rand Paul as the feisty never know what he’ll do next presidential offspring.

Field of candidates the worst collection of Republican losers I’ve seen since the last time I was at the country club.

RNC so desperate they want Pauly Ryan to run, but he’ll need his mom’s signature and she’s pretty pissed off about her Medicare.

bng trckd by sum1 elses ifone

Exxon $12 billion profit only comes to 3 billion in gallons.

PlayStation hacked to CashStation.

Planned parenthood cuts in Indiana cause resurgence of “Hoosier daddy?” jokes.

Trump now an after birther.

God particle discovered in Franklin Graham’s eye.

Haley Barbour drops out of race–running against Obama too “in the heat of the night.”
Path to Progress budget reintroduced as Road to Perdition.

Tiger Woods skips Quail Hollow to avoid obvious jokes.

Jay Cutler tears MCL proposing to Kristin Cavallari.

Last chance to poke your old roommate on Friendster.

Dodgers Chapter 11, Mets Chapter 9.

After dissing DeNiro Trump awakes to either horse’s head or Melania.

Circumcision outlawed in San Francisco as a competitive disadvantage,

and researchers find obesity–thankfully–diminishes memory . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .