Archive for April 2011

Obama debt speech bullet points

April 12, 2011

Obama debt speech bullet points:

Start with a joke–listen, money isn’t everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Henny Youngman.
Avoid charts, don’t go near a pointer. Make sure your blackberry is off.
Do whatever it takes not to look like Fred Armisen. Wear a hat, smile, anything.
Nothing of the ebtday eilingsay. Conveys mistaken impression there are limits.
No anecdotes. Let em to buy the book.
Say compromise in every sentence mixing verb and noun.
We are all Americans and can prove it.
Scratch that last—too gridiron.
Say something that sounds like a solution so inescapable the viewer will think that’s what’s been slapping him in the face all this time.
And God bless the United States of America [seal].

All the News That Isn’t

April 11, 2011

4-11-11

Barrack and Tiger stage comebacks, Manny, not so much.

President Obama said, “Americans of different beliefs came together and kicked the living crap out of one another.”

That’s the beauty of the system.

Shutting down the government is all well and good, but don’t underestimate the power inertia.

Came very close to bringing duels back to Congress.

If student councils worked this way we’d never have prom. If the NFL worked this way we’d have the NFL.

All came down to defunding Planned Parenthood, which would’ve have saved very little since they buy their condoms in bulk.

Obviously none these Republicans were planned, or if they were it went horribly wrong.

In a compromise on the major social issue, abortion will be limited to Democrats only.

The final deal made the first deep but not fatal slash of $38 billion–Trump change.

The big stuff is coming from economic genius and B+/C- Janesville Craig National Merit Semi-Finalist Paulie Ryan.

The Path to Prosperity, formerly known as The Road to Ruin.
Even Draconian for Draco.

Medicare will be replaced with Ethical Suicide Parlors and a free last meal from the adjacent Howard Johnson’s.

Medicaid: schnapps on a cotton ball.

In other news–

Trump private dick in Hawaii discovers Obama heir to King Kamehameha’s throne.

Contenders for Wisconsin’s Supreme Court will job share–she in Madison and he in Waukesha.

A few irregularities in the voting as 14,000 votes turn up in a creel in Pewaukee.

NATO says what the heck it was friendly fire. Libyan rebels are advised to wear orange.

Paulie Ryan offers Final Solution for Baby Boomers.

Still no volunteers for Republican nomination. Romney’s waiting on a salamander to tell him to run. Michele Bachman is having second thoughts about being remotely even the slightest bit qualified for the job. Mike Huckabee is reluctant to leave Arkansas with noodling season just around the corner.

They’re checking to see if Stassen might still be alive.

Katie Couric: The Long Colonoscopy Goodbye. First, Iraq for a last ditch attempt at gravitas.

Frankly, she’s at the age where perky is not a bad thing.

Khalid Sheik Yerbooty will get a 21 gun salute at Gitmo.

Southwest Airlines was serious about freeing you to move about the country.
Hey, the bags were flying free.

WI Governor Walker rejects Madison–fortunately, he has no jurisdiction over El Commandante Paul Soglin’s “People’s Republic of Madtown.”

Glenn Beck experiences Rapture, transcends Fox for even fairer and more balanced realms. As it was prophesied, btw.

Trump hair not born in the USA.

In letter to Obama Khadafy calls him “my son” giving some credence to Trump’s claims.

If Trump spoke Spanish he’d be Hugo Trumpez.

Somali pirate sentenced to cabin boy duty on Carnival Cruise featuring Charlie Sheen nightly in the lounge.

Fatal flaw in Google driverless car–you have to search for it, and

Barry Bonds claims it was Botox in the buttocks . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Election Night in Dairyland

April 6, 2011

Election Night in Dairyland (condensed)

Like one of those downloads that freezes at 99%
May have to dive for some of the late returns in Lake Wausau.
Comes down to a couple on 13th & Rosecrans in Wausau holding the fate of the free world in their hands.
What with the big turnout and all had to go to paper ballots.
I enjoy a nice hand counted ballot.
Dane Co totals are in and McGovern won handily.
The way I see it it all depends whether you make Abbotsford or Colby your bellwether.
Menards vote turns out to be crucial in Eau Claire.
If it’s a tie they could job share.
Pisses me off because I know I reminded 585 people to vote today.
In her first decision Justice Kloppenburg says she’s going home.

All the Tweets That Isn’t for April 1

April 1, 2011

myfeldman Michael Feldman
Rebecca Black to cover Clint Black.

Walker OK’s trains with proviso they go same speed as in 1931.
Katie’s great but I’d pay to see Michele Bachmann’s colonoscopy.
Artificial dye is safe to eat and possibly even good for you.
Tea partiers calm down! Remember your pressure!
Finger food flying at Tea Party.
Tea partiers hold Republicans feet to the pot.
US afraid of getting dragged into a Khadafy pull.
Gates ranks right behind “Give me Liberty” in great quotes: “Somebody else can do that.”
I take back what I said about leadership as I watch President Obama tell the national clean fleets partnership how he feels.
Unemployment down stock market up–looks like an Obama perfect storm.
They call the wind Obama.
Libyan rebels offer a truce because Misurata loves company.
Kochs going back to using the family name: Himmler.
Walker comes dangerously close to self-doubt.
Thia Megia not related to Mussa Kussa.
Libyan rebels will not be armed but I’ve just saved a ton on my car insurance.
Gates juggles 2 balls.
With the fall of Michigan, the Mason-Dixon line’s all the way up to the UP.
With Wisconsin, Michigan, Indiana and Ohio the South has risen again–in the North.
Let’s think outside the Beltway.
Shutdown? Shut up!
If not a shutdown how about a time out?
If you kids don’t settle down you can forget about your franking privileges.
Might be a good thing to power it down even if they do agree. Maintenance.
Tea Partiers say will hold breath until dead & then u be sorry.
Boehner settles for crap sandwich hold the mayo.
Turns out the foreign minister was all moussa koussa with the US.
In a pickup game Gates would get picked last.
Sign of shutdown: Monica seen getting nails done on K street.
Stay on anti-union law biggest setback for Governor Walker since Marquette suggested he think about correspondence school.
Bonds: Botox in Buttocks.
Nothing good has come out of the presidency since they stopped calling us my fellow Americans.
Donald Trump picking his pants and smelling it.
Scott Walker backs down ruins image.
Most important for Mr. Obama in event of a shutdown is take no interns.
Kind of stimulating to think that in a week things could be running themselves.
Honey, do you know a Moussa Koussa on a toll-free call?
Tea party freshmen clear Barnes & Noble of Robert’s Rules of Order.
Republican nominating convention to be held in Lilliput.

All the Tweets daily @myfeldman