Archive for March 2011

Feldman Doctrine

March 30, 2011

The Feldman Doctrine

1. Enough with the family vacations–war always breaks out.

2. Don’t start with the Libyans.

3. The tea party is filled with watercress eaters.

4. Walk a mile in your neighbor’s moccasins but wear a thin cotton sock.

5. Next we’ll have to pay banks to keep our money and maybe throw in a socket wrench or stadium blanket.

6. I believe in One World I just don’t believe it’s this one.

7. Things started going to hell when everybody started misusing “literally.”

8. Twitter is more popular than Jesus. Just kidding. But I doubt Mathew could confine himself to 140 characters.

9. We spend too much time thinking about the perfect electronic device and too little thinking about the perfect accessories.

10. The wisdom that comes with age also goes with it.

All the Nws That Isn’t

March 14, 2011


Governor Walker say union repair bill a great victory for the Fatherland.

At bill’s signing in WI capitol rotunda, released doves smash heads to bloody pulps against dome, rain entrails on Republicans gathered below.

Next target on Governor’s agenda: suffrage.

Walker will replace workers’ rights with workplace banners, “Work Shall Set You Free.”

Dairyland, Dairyland Uber Alles.

The good news–Governor Walker says he was just kidding about the layoffs. Things not nearly as bad as that. Just making a point.

Anyway, nice to see Wisconsin in the headlines for something other than morbid obesity. Binge drinking. Even though now more reason than ever.

Prodigal Democrats return but robins remain massed on the WI/IL border, just short of Walworth. Victims of Governor’s Spring Repair Bill.

Being fined a hundred worms a day.

Walker’s bold new Daylight Saving Plan–turn the calendar back 100 years.

Next, for Wisconsin’s Democrats–the ballot box. Find ’em and stuff ’em.

Total Recall: Get ready for the ride of your life!

Walker says Wisconsinites will get used to the bill and the sterilization act folded into it.

Teachers, meanwhile, give up collective bargaining for Lent.

In All the Non-Glorious Victory News That Isn’t . . .

Defense Secretary Gates taunts Khadafy ‘you want a piece of this?’

President Obama says Khadafy reminds him of bullies in school–all the Kenyan kids who taunted him as being American.

President OK’s Guantanamo control to 5 Flags.

Mr. Obama did say during the Wisconsin crisis, “You never outgrow your need for milk,” which was much appreciated.

The Muslim portion of Rep. Peter King’s tribunal is wrapping up–next, the Methodists.

Rockford wants the WI 14 extradited for damage to their motel rooms and huge unpaid video on demand charges.

Speaking of overreach, what about the Illinois governor abolishing death?

What’s with all the “union bosses” we keep hearing about? Did they find Hoffa?

Wisconsin 14 return, Wisconsin 5,654,774 think about leaving.

Kate Middleton tweets: gtng cld feet.

Jared sprints past Ronald McDonald in fast-food heat.

In Egypt, still no sign of Cairo Spring.

Mubarak seen in Speedo at Berlusconi’s Sardinia place.

Estimate for WI capitol tape cleanup from protests drops from $7.5 million to 12 bucks for a can of Goop.

Signs from the protest will be relegated to state historical society along with teachers and public workers. Make a nice little diorama.

Huge Rally at Capitol marks the first time 100,000 people have gathered in Wisconsin without Bucky Badger doing touchdown pushups on his trampoline.

At rally, Tony Shalhoub and Susan Sarandon plea for bigger celebrities to get involved in Wisconsin cause.

NPR reformats as Easy Listening.

NFL players nix a 52 game schedule saying football not a year round sport.

Apple disclaimer says people who buy iPod 2’s will still grow old and die.

The nice thing about having intelligence head James Clapper on board is the President just has to go–clap! clap!–and he shuts up.

Saif is Naif . . .

And Jessica Biel is going to need a lot of comforting after Justin Timberlake breakup . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Michael Feldman

All the News That Isn’t

March 10, 2011

All the News That Isn’t 3/10/11

Gang that couldn’t deal straight burns the Reichstag.

Teachers stripped of rights and deloused by Walker shock troops.

Man posing as Governor makes prank speech dissolving state of Wisconsin.

Really had us going there, for a minute. Scotty sure can keep a straight face.

I mean, teachers, cops, public workers, sure–but the recycling? Hah! Good one! Wish I would have thought of it.

Cutting out child nutrition and making breast feeding a misdemeanor–great stuff! You can make this stuff up.

Transitioning to our new Southern lifestyle here in Wisconsissippi will take a bit of getting used to, y’all, but I like the ring of “America’s Beulahland.”

The dairy farms weren’t doing much, anyway–putting ’em in cotton’s the best thing that could’ve happened.

Liftin’ that barge and totin’ that bale on the banks of the Kinnikinnick makes you glad to be way up north in Wixie.

Those majestic pole barn manor houses on the soybean plantations.

The University of Wisconsin–Ol’ Wis, going with football and dropping the academics.

Our new non-union worker’s paradise will–hopefully–soon attract a Kia or a Hyundai. So far just a Payday America and a couple of Waffle Houses, but it’s a start!

Thank you, Big Daddy!

And in All the Non-Wisconsissippi News That Isn’t . . .

House defends marriage which is more than she ever did.

Obama tells Khadafy “stop it right now, mister. Don’t make me stop this car!”

Libya rebels push a giant Trojan Ukrainian nurse into Tripoli.

Economy turns corner for third time, finds itself back where it started.

Wisconsin outlaws prank phone calls, orders arrest of Bart Simpson.

President Obama takes scalpel to eviscerated budget carcass.

Wisconsin Republicans send posse across Illinois border to round up fugitive Democrats claiming asylum under the Lake Geneva Convention.

If the Democrats have Toyotas, they could recall their brake pedals.

NFL the latest dispute the President won’t dirty his hands with. Still pissed about the Bears.

NFL wants to go back to the plantation system. Worked for a lot of years.

Governor Walker has offered to replace NFL players with Wackenhut general service felons, and do a kind of a Longest Yard thing.

Pope says he will stop wearing Galliano.

In a conciliatory gesture, the Pope commutes Jews’ sentence on the Jesus rap to time served.

Thousands flock to reported sighting of white iPad.

Steve Jobs thinner, lighter, with new processor.

Great and all, but what about the tablets Moses was carrying?

Newt to run on the Hot Tub Time Machine ticket.

Callista just needs to stop at Stepford for a tune-up.

Poor Newt–finally the right wife and there’s no way in hell.

Mike Huckabee decides to stay in the double-wide what with noodling season so near.

Jim DeMint proposes National Private Radio. Already in mourning at Morning Edition, not to mention All Offers Considered. Pure panic at “Wait! Wait! Don’t!”

The live sex demo at Northwestern was necessary because they’re not Wildcats in the bedroom.

Cam Newton figs it at NFL Combine.

Bernie Madoff will work off the Mets swindle by selling hot dogs in a pyramid scheme at Citi Field.

BYU forward Brandon Davies says, if it’s any consolation, it wasn’t that good.

Sirhan Sirhan seeks release now that there’s no Kennedys left to shoot.

German Catholics call for an end to celibacy, rank and file hope it extends to the laity.

Kirstie Alley the new Bristol Palin and then some on Dancing With the Stars.

Galliano and Sheen head out for a night of Jew baiting, and

Christina Aguilera arrested in anthem reprisal . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

how tweet it is @myfeldman

Nora Feldman Walker-teachers cartoon

March 9, 2011


March 3, 2011

Wisconsissippi Revisited

While it may have been an unintended consequence of the Spartan yet over-reaching state budget of defunded mandates and vestigial unions, Wisconsissippi’s transition to a Southern state of mind begins to appear, Bless Betsy, about as natural as nature intended. I don’t just mean the slower pace on the street despite wind chills likely to freeze your boiled peanuts, or even the lingering doorway goodbyes that have all but replaced the abrupt “later’s” once common to these parts, but the very notion that maybe we had been saving at the spigot and letting it run out the bunghole, something a body cannot abide.

The very countryside is changing in America’s Beulahland, from the stately pole-barn manor home on a soybean plantation in Brule, to a once troubled dairy farm in Richland Center, now in cotton, to the sounds of barge totin’ and bale liftin’ from the banks of the mighty Kinnikinnick. The corn that used to go into feed (we still keep a few cows, for ornamental purposes, along the highway) go straight into hominy. It’s no small point of pride that pretty near every dollar saved on teacher and public worker benefits have gone into stocking the catfish farms, which are going pretty good, even if the fish tend to dice when you blow ’em up to the silo. The magnolias may be struggling but the kudzu has pushed all the way up to the UP.

Folks are changing as well, having adopted Southern mannerisms, such as ancestor worship, so that we now tailgate in the graveyard in Ashwaubenon before Packer games, and we hold onto all of our last names on both sides: the Des Peres phone book is filled with John Peterson Hanson Johnson’s and all the permutations. “Wixie” is played at every¬† game and Nascar event, although we’re not supposed to sing the words due to sensibilities. Priorities have been readjusted in education: at our crown jewel university, Ole Wis, the mission today is less sifting and winnowing and more blocking and tackling.

The benefits have been mutual, we’d like to think, now that our progenitor, the Great State of Mississippi, no longer axiomatically comes in 50th in education, health care and social services. Since the rise of Wisconsissippi, the ejaculation “Thank God for Alabama!” we’re told, has just about disappeared from casual discourse at Bumper’s Drive-In in Yazoo City. For us, of course, the hope is to share in the promised bounty, the day when our workers paradise will attract a Hyundai, or a Kia, or a Ginsu Knife. To date, there’s just the ¬†Payday America and a couple of Waffle Houses (for us, taking your grits the hard way). We firmly believe in the principle “deconstruct it and they will come,” and don’t, for a moment, miss the entitlements of the “Forward” days of thinly-veiled Scandinavian socialism–it’s like Big Daddy says, “Forward depends on which way you’re facing.” And we’re heading South.

Michael Feldman