Archive for January 2011

All the News That Isn’t

January 31, 2011

January 31, 2011

Unrest spreads to Cairo IL.

Mubarak mummy missing.

Egyptian revolution waiting on dialup.

President Obama says the economy’s in great shape, so if you’re broke it’s your own fault.

Calls upon Americans to love their bank.

Corporate profits way up–hey, isn’t that what started this thing in the first place?

Economy doing so well Madoff should soon be out on good behavior.

Oops–just had another sputnik moment. I get those duck and cover moments, too.

The bad news is the deficit is 1.5 trillion, the good news is I saved a bunch on my auto insurance.

The President’s Race to the Top has already lost over a million pounds.

The crisis panel says the economic meltdown is my fault. Wife’s on the panel.

Social Security funds won’t be drained until 2037 so we should be all right.

Arab states take their minds off Israel.

Keith Olbermann pushes jobless report higher.

Man on median with snarly voice turns out to be Keith Olbermann.

Meanwhile, Rachel Maddow straps on Olbermann’s frames to man up.

Rahm Emanuel on ballot in Tunisia.

Chicago board rules Jay Cutler non-resident.

On the State of the Union charts its Bachmann-Palin Overdrive.

Wisconsin’s little Paulie Ryan gave the reply for the student council. It was short because he had to be back in class.

Oprah discovers conjoined half-sister.

Of 10 billion Apple apps 37 are currently in use.

iPad will add iWallet for ease of iHand.

Steve Jobs on iHeart and iLung.

Teen girl says she didn’t know Berlusconi was 74.

Skins is Glee with pants down.

Jimmy Buffet finally gets off the stage.

Color coded terror alerts done, orange you glad?

Mayor Bloomberg is at the door, wants to know if he can shovel.

Olive pit sues Dennis Kucinich, wins.

In the only good news, blind orangutan gives birth to twins in Indonesia.

Taco Bell 34% taco 66% bell.

Pope says Catholics may Facebook for prevention of disease only.

Gallon of gas downsized to quart to keep prices steady.

After catapult failure, smugglers push Trojan piñata over Mexican border.

We don’t want to know how Charley Sheen got the hernia.

Record levels of stress found in college freshmen from the class of ’70,

and, in the Super Bowl, Packers 2 1/2 beer favorites over Steelers . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

The Tweet of the Union

January 26, 2011

President Hu wanders into the chamber looking for the buffet.
Men’s Warehouse appears well represented.
Hillary looks nice but who’s watching Bill?
Prez does not lead with sputnik moment.
All part of the American Family . . . insurance?
Let’s work together, c’mon, c’mon, let’s work together.
Poised for platitudes.
Need better yardsticks
Need to be more Asian.
America clinging to the lead in everything.
Need to out the rest of the world.
There is no no in innovation. Oh wait. No ovation anyway.
Thanking Al Gore for internet.
Michigan roofers have shingles.
Clean energy fails to stir a breeze.
Short teachers a problem.
Race to the top lost a total of one million pounds.
Packers diss? Celebrate science bowls not super bowls. right.
Baby boomers should retire already and free up some jobs.
Got 70,000 no work no show jobs at Kia.
Undocumented students doing good but do they turn in papers?
Likes his trains like he likes his women. OK he didn’t say that. But that’s how he likes his trains.
More convicts shoveling more asphalt into more holes. Infrastructure repair.
Better and more internets.
Titillates crowd with lowering corporate tax rates.
Regulation regulation.
Willing to modify health care to heal care.
All conditions pre-existing.
We owe the national debt a debt.
Domestic freeze begins at home.
Calls for eliminating plane engines?
Medical malpractice reform and more doctors suing lawyers.
Spend your tax cuts quick!
Interior and Commerce fighting over salmon. This is silly.
Pols see through call for transparency.
Iraq is like so 2008.
Leaving Afghanistan for Pakistan.
Start treaty makes mutual assured destruction more affordable.
Tunisia nice this time of year.
Troops asking and telling can only be good.
So much to do so little term.
Defies congressmen to leave for another country.
Mentions sweeping floor in dad’s bar just to make Boehner cry.
And what about those Chilean miners!
Beyond the blue horizon waits a beautiful day
That’s it! Missed the damn sputnik moment!

Dear Mr. President

January 24, 2011

Dear Mr. President,

I trust you enjoyed the epic struggle at Soldier Field without any of the pretzel logistics your predecessor might have experienced seeing a 330 pound
linebacker getting jiggy with it on his first touchdown dance. Please accept a heartfelt “tough one!” from those of us in Packerland who wish the Bears no permanent damage, and are, in fact, quite fond of Lovey Smith if not the crowd he hangs with. There is always next year, and, with Jay Cutler, always the year after that. Just one more quarterback and things might have turned out a lot different for Chicago. True, the Bears highlight reel did whip by in a flash–pretty much just a scrambling Brian Urlacher being ankled by Aaron Rodgers like it was backwards day–but that was worth seeing a couple of times.

I’m sure you know that we here in Wisconsin feel a special bond with you and your Presidency ever since your candidacy was kick started in the Wisconsin primary, and that we take pride in being Camp David North. It was somewhat of a bolt out of the blue, then, to hear you say “if the Bears are in the Super Bowl we’re going,” an offhand jest perhaps not meant to be taken to be as exclusive as it was interpreted. We know you keep a pied a terre in Chicago, we get that, but, after the State of the Union, Mr. President, your instinct was not to head to Hyde Park to take the pulse of the public, but north to Oconomowoc, for the State of the Wisconsin. We just assumed it would be the same with the Super Bowl.

Be that as it may (and, truly, no hard feelings–we wish you many more Oconomowocs) since you, apparently, won’t be using them, I was wondering if I might have your tickets to XLV. I would guess the tickets are already in the hands of Chief of Staff (and Chicagoan) Bill Daley, who would have no use for them, and might be up for grabs. My daughters (I have two, too!) are pretty insistent I make Super Sunday happen for them, and the audacity of their dream comes to $3,000 a pop, end zone, and an 18 hour drive to the Quality Inn Ft. Worth, and back.

I realize the tickets (4 if you have them–can’t forget the wife!) may already be spoken for, but, if not, they would make for an unforgettable “Yes, we can!” moment for one hopeful family in your Packerland constituency.

Wishing you all the best, and thanking you for your consideration,

Michael Feldman

Mad Mike

January 16, 2011

Mad Mike

My daughter tells me I smack my lips when I drive, and, if I do, it’s because I’m eating my words. Opinions, mostly, like my feelings about parents of honor students. Or Volvo drivers who know they’re cocooned and you’re not. A small woman astride a behemoth SUV, or a big galoot overflowing a Smart car. Drivers whose other vehicle is a bicycle, and this one should be, too. They who, Nyquill or no, have no business operating machinery. Who couldn’t manage two tons of mass at rest. Speed racers with four-wheeled crotch rockets between their legs. Those times I find myself being all that stands between a Dodge Ram and the open road. First time and last time drivers. The Asian driver consigning two billion people to stereotype. The bus riding public too proud to admit it. Anyone in a Buick Regal or Toyota Legend, particularly with the optional gold chrome. When you can’t see the driver in a Cadillac and don’t know if it’s a short Jewish man or a brother cruising. Women who feel it’s rude to stare at the road while on the phone, and men on their cells who manage to keep both hands on the wheel. Lady Guadalupe rear windows. Hatless bald guys middle-aged and worse in Boxsters. Anyone who hangs a rosary from the rear view mirror, particularly when they tell it. F-150’s whose extended cabs too obviously compensate for foreshortened beds. Prius mileage freaks whose 11th Commandment is “Go 22, 23 tops,” and for whom 50 mpg is the holy grail.
Plenty, in short, to make a guy smack his lips.

The (In Their) Sixties Generation

January 12, 2011

The (In Their) Sixties Generation Rallying Cries

–Power to the Propecia!
–If it feels good, I’d be surprised.
–Hell, no, I can’t go!
–We are the grandparents our parents warned us about.
–Make love not snore.
–Go with the Flomax.
–Tune in, turn it up, drop off.
–What if they gave a colonoscopy and nobody came?
–This is the dawning of the age of thin-hairius.
–Don’t do it.
–Give Paxil a chance.
–Hairy kishkas, kiskas hairy.
–Lucky to Be Here Now.
–Question his authority.
–A woman without a man is like living in Sun City.
–Don’t trust anyone of any age.

All the News that Isn’t

January 8, 2011

All the News That Isn’t for January 8, 2011

Job offers pouring in for homeless man with golden voice, Jim Packard.

Sarah Palin’s Alaska cancelled due to lack of Inuit.

In Washington, Little Fockers take office.

Tea Partiers open Congress by dumping copies of Constitution in Potomac.

Powdered wigs in Capitol Hill for the first time in 200 years.

Speaker Boehner opened the session by reading the parts of the Constitution he liked. The 2nd Amendment only takes about 60 seconds.

Republicans were hoping to repeal Hawaii’s statehood before the President got back from Honolulu.

House Un-Tea Partian Affairs Committee chair calls the Obama administration the most corrupt since the Bush administration.

Pentagon will save 78 Billion by converting to Call of Duty: Black Ops.

The bad news is that Cheney’s heart pump is made by Halliburton.

Columbus, Ohio man with great voice new presidential press secretary.

Chinese stealth fighter looks suspiciously like fortune cookie.

Looks like Taylor Hefner is next.

84 year old Hugh Hefner, warned about possible fatal consequences of marrying 24 year old, says “if she dies, she dies.”

With the “n’s” removed it’s Huckleberry Fi.

Sudden increase in Republican on Republican crime.

Enterprise commander says no Navy without seamen.
The Navy: what happens on the fantail stays on the fantail.

Uproar as Jon Stewart compares President to Star Wars Jar Jar Binks.

Reagan pretty much unchanged on 100th birthday.

Brett Favre to be Pocket Fisherman spokesman.

Michael Steele offered porter job at Republican National Committee.

Death of thousands of birds in Arkansas blamed on Obamacare.

At 50 Billion, Facebook valuation comes to half a Billion for every friend.

Woman groped by Donald Duck feels goofy.

Every 36 years like clockwork Jerry Brown is governor of California.

Scientists find that a crying woman is nearly as big a turnoff as a laughing woman.

National Enquirer and Star merge to form 2-ply paper.

Court rules strip search of male inmate by female guard unconstitutional even if he asks for it.

Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin scratch each other’s eyes out.

Kate and William register at Target.

In another setback for Broadway Spiderman, leading spider lady eats leading spider man.

Montel fails to put hash pipe in quart sized bag at Milwaukee airport.

Paul Soglin to run for mayor of Madison in 1968 and

I don’t know about you, but I’ve just seen my first “You must have been born on this date in 1990” tavern sign—

Happy New Year!

Miki on Wiki

January 5, 2011

Your continued donations keep Wikipedia running!
Michael Feldman
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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For the Canadian politician, see Mike Feldman
Michael Feldman, the popular media icon and witty aphorist, is the host of “Michael Feldman’s Whad’Ya Know?,” a radio program distributed by Public Radio International heard on maybe a gazillion stations in virtually every English and Latinate-based speaking nation. His humor has been likened to that of Twain, Thurber, S.J. Perelman and Cato (the Elder), being a homespun yet sophisticated amalgam of insightful satire and a wide-ranging cross-cultural intellectualism sometimes known as the Milwaukee School, for his hometown, where his alma mater has been named Washington High School in his honor. Self-effacing to the point of hardly ever referring to himself by name (only, humorously, as “Yours, truly”) Maestro Feldman has raised a generation of radio listeners who think of him as Uncle Feldman. A handsome man, Feldman had his choice of many women, selecting the one or two he did purely for genetic reasons, yielding two superior female offspring who, as he would never trumpet, worship their father. In over twenty years hosting and producing “Whad’ya Know?” Feldman has never once abandoned his show to pursue an exchange student overseas. Winner of too many awards to mention, including the Madison (WI) Kiwanis Speaker Appreciation trophy, the Peabody Duck Captain honor, and the Neenah (WI) Foundry Personalized Manhole Cover, Feldman also has more keys to more cities than you can shake a stick at (his youngest, in fact, teethed on the key to Omaha (NE).) Beloved is not too strong a word to describe the esteem Michael Feldman is held in by his adoring audience, many of whom credit him with bringing them together as couples and encouraging them to have families of their own, knowing that if he could do it anyone could, and has. His charismatic, youthful appearance, often compared to a young Dick Clark, surprises some who come to the live show in Madison (WI)causing many to wonder why he’s not in television, which Feldman has dismissed as “Radio you have to look at.” Feldman has contributed many aphorisms to the language, including the famous “Whad’ya Know?–Not Much, You?” call and response, “listeners who are sticklers for truth should get their own shows,” “sit on your hands and let someone else have a chance for a change,” and many others, including the repeated use of “actually” to mean “really.” Widely respected and feared among radio professionals, the “Host with the Most” has been added to the collection of the Museum of Broadcasting in New York (NY) and received the ceremonial coffee cup from the Chicago (IL) Broadcast Museum. A genius grant is rumored to be just around the corner. Michael Feldman has either written or read 7 or more highly acclaimed books, including “War and Peace,” “Madam Bovary,” and “Something I Said?: Innuendo and Out the Other,” “Whad’ya Know?”–the book–and Glad You Asked. His most recent CD is Grammy unominated “The First 25 Are the Hardest.”
[edit] External links
• Biography at the Whad’Ya Know? website
• Profile at
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