Archive for May 2010

Michael Feldman’s All the News That Isn’t

May 25, 2010

May 24, 2010

Dow Jones found hanging from bell at New York Stock Exchange.

Turns out it’s the Davy Jones Index.

British Domestic Partners Cameron & Clegg already having problems. Cameron’s going to Berlin without Clegg, and boy is she steaming! Those Public School relationships are tough to maintain.

FBI warns of terrorist caterers—that’s pretty well established. Try to get your deposit back from Osama.

Arlen Specter victim of the single ballot theory.

Rand Paul, poster boy for Tea Party Intellectualism, calls the president’s criticism of British Petroleum “Un-American.”
His dad is trying to distance himself from Rand, says he was adopted.

Clarifying another misstatement, Rand says he never said slavery was all right in a pinch.

Vatican warns scientists that man-made bacteria cannot be buried in consecrated ground. Pagan bacteria.

“Lost” fans now unable to make sense of life.

US Intelligence head replaced with iPad.

War on terror on hiatus along with war on poverty, war on drugs, and war on paying too much for men’s suits.

Rand Paul’s name is really an anagram for “darn.”

Lindsay Lohan would rather party on a yacht in Cannes than testify at a probation hearing in municipal court. Case dismissed!
This Deep Throat movie should turn things around for her; Lindsay Lovelace.

Reverend Wright says Barrack Obama “threw me under the bus”—but he’s lucky because there was a train a-comin’!

Lance Armstrong says he has nothing to hide, which, after the surgery, is probably true.

Gas prices have been falling ever since they began giving it away in the Gulf.

Sarah Palin rounding up other mama grizzlies for this fall’s “Real Housewives of Hell.”

Senate passes finance bill just as we run out of ‘em.

The Salahis were on their way to get a life when stopped by police.

The state dinner for the Mexican president went off with the only hitch being Joe Biden’s impromptu hat dance with Sr. Calderon’s fedora.

Anti-missile found to actually be afraid of missiles and even, secretly, pro-missile.

Kevin Trudeau, author of Natural Cures You Don’t Want to Know About, sentenced to 30 days of a raw organic diet with daily injections of liquid manure.

Kagan not known for dating at Harvard.

Google street view cannot only video your residence, it can take a posture picture of you.

Facebook fails to explain why people you never heard of dominate your page with news that has nothing to do with you. Or, like, what likes means.

Human Growth Hormone explains half-back going to full-back and tight end wide receiver.

Miley Cyrus does Lady Gag Gag video. Well, Hannah Montana always was a stripper’s name.

North Korea preparing an army of Hello Kitty’s to invade the south, where they will be welcomed with open arms. The Trojan Hello Kitty.

Richard Blumenthal says he sure is going to miss the Battle of the Bulge reunions.

Study reveals men get post-partum, although it’s a different partum.

First Lady says obesity not p-h-a-t.

Elvis Costello cancels Israeli concerts—didn’t realize the Israelis were Jews.

Miss USA says Trump told her pole dancing qualified as a talent.

Ladies investment club at Blue Horizon Retirement Home caused 1,000 point drop in the Dow. The ladies were hedging their bets.

And, a cougar takes out a cow in Wisconsin—Salahis seen in neighborhood . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

Top Five Must Have Commandments

May 17, 2010

Top Five Must Have Commandments

Today Moses would have 140 characters with which to prove the Lord God more worthy of following than Ashton Kutcher. On his blog, Mo Sez, there would be opportunity to flesh it out a little, although not as much as ten commandments, since only Letterman Almighty still goes that route. Here in the US of ADD it is a well-established principle that you are allowed either one gross bloviation on the state of things or the Top Five Kim Kardashian relationships, ways to stand out during Glee auditions, killer iPad apps, iPad killers, ways to erase blackheads or reasons to stop saying “good job!” to your kids for their own good. By the third no one is paying attention, but a convention is a convention. Fiveness is not just an American preoccupation, as the Japanese have sufficiently demonstrated by broiling, simmering, steaming, frying and pickling; nor is it uniquely post-Modern if you but look at St. Thomas Aquinas’s overkill of God via (1) the unmoved mover (2) first cause (3) contingency (my personal favorite) (4) degree and (5) the teleological proofs of His existence. Five is much honored, with accolades including (but not limited to) Fermat and Eisenstein prime, fifth Fibonacci number, the 5 Pillars of Islam and Books of Torah, Dr. Gary Chapman’s seminal tome on relationships, “The Five Love Languages, and the Five Virtues of crickets cited in Hugh Raffles’ Insectopedia.
One assumes the 10 Commandments had been considerably pared down from the several thousand or so talking points the Lord God summoned forth for starters, and may have, in fact, been only the ones Moses could remember or transport. They were light reading at a time when there were 24 species of birds alone, bat to vulture (despite the ossifrage—bone-breaker—being some pretty good eating) not kosher for consumption. The wisdom of the elders stops short of anticipating the attenuated attention spans of the sons of the sons of the etc. Today Moses’ robes would be visibly drenched in flop sweat immediately following number I. V is pushing it to the max–but which old shoes to drop? The Anglicans have conveniently lumped the first 2 into a preface with which Gershom, presumably, preceded his dad down Sinai (Eliezer following with sources and acknowledgements). “I am the Lord, your God,” is inferred, while “no other gods before me,” an obvious shot across Baal’s bow, nothing if not implicit. Today “No Idols” is a tough sell, although maybe not after Crystal Bowersox. Murder and stealing, boilerplate, really, pretty much have to be in there; coveting, negotiable, in light of the Five Gadgets You Have to Have, none of which, luckily, happen to be your neighbor’s wife or stuff. In Exodus, neighbors are on all sides of you, taking up a good 3 of the original 10 commandments, which pieces might be sewn into the one size fits all garment of Geraldine Feldman’s “Don’t start with the neighbors.” “Honor they father and mother” goes without saying, at least by them, leaving us with

The Top Five Must Have Commandments

1. All eyes here.
2. Don’t steal, don’t lip, 20 years of schooling and they put you on the day shift.
3. Don’t start with the neighbors.
4. Do not murder, profane and commit adultery in the same sin.
5. The Lord God’s name, image, likeness, play-by-play and/or transcriptions may not be used without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.

Try a Little Happiness

May 10, 2010

Michael Sez:

A very nice guy in the audience in Springfield, James Davis-Willard, wrote on his card “Are you a happier person now than you were ten years ago? You seem to be really happy the last few years.” Isn’t that sweet? Being me, I told him “only goes to show what senility can do for you,” but, in fact, that’s only partly true, and its still pre-senility. I am entitled to senior moments, now, and it’s a great way of saying you forgot something you really didn’t want to do and not getting an argument. Almost as good as wearing a selective hearing aid. But, beneath the planet of me, I guess I really am happier even though everything is getting worse, you know physical functions, career, popular music, men’s wear. I just don’t take it personally any more. I don’t really care, but I do. It’s a kind of Zen-like uncaring caring, that accepts the fact that the things that you can do something about are more than enough, thank you. I never hoisted the world, a la Atlas, on my back, but there was quite a bit of unclaimed baggage some of which I don’t even remember unclaiming. Marriage, for example, has never been my (2) cups of tea, and I always said my wife took to marriage like a duck to oil, and its true. Some people are better off mating, and going their separate ways. But then kids come along, and it’s a game changer. Terrific, love being a father, not much heavy lifting, set your own hours, work out of the home. Early attempt to be both father and mother to the girls quickly dissipated under the withering glare of she who has lovemotherearth for her email address, but that was for the best. Now, of course, the girls are teenagers, and, if there is nothing like a dame, there is really nothing like a teenage dame, and I say that with all due cowering respect. They bark at me, and wave me away. Unbelievable. I who did everything from wiping their poopy behinds to paying their tuition and everything in between. Well, OK, its not as hands on as it used to be—I try to be of use and not say anything analytical, and certainly refrain from any advice based on my own experience, because as the once-little Nora told me, “Dad, you’re not a girl, and you’re not NOW!” I don’t think she meant the organization for women.
So, really, in effect, I’ve been released from fathering, at least in the nose to the grindstone sense. OK. I miss playing with little Nora and little Ellie, but finger painting, making acorn people and claymation movies are probably not going to make a comeback. OK. Well. I know I’m on call, but that’s a hell of a lot better than working 12 hour shifts. Frees me up quite a bit. My show, for me, has always been the only two hours of my life I could control, and there’s still that, but it now, in effect, it is my life, I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit, as much as painting civil war miniatures or donning an engineer cap to run your HO gauge through tunnels you made yourself might be. Love it. I have a crush on my audience. Some of them feel the same way, but, at this point, its OK if it’s unrequited or requited just a little. When I first did radio from Dolly’s Fine Foods in Madison, my routine was basically my personal life, or lack of, and the many emotional reversals and amusing little failures endemic to twenty-somethings. A guy once called in and said, “You know, you mess up a lot, you really have a lot of neuroses, but its very entertaining—don’t ever change!” Ever see that movie where Jim Carrey beats up himself? Like that. It occurred to me that I needed to save some for myself, and also that a relationship with an audience is nothing you can come home to. These days, I enjoy nothing more than wading into a crowd (which, confidentially, is the exact opposite of my wading into myself personality type) who have taken the time and effort to pack a sometimes unwilling family into the Caravan and get up at 5 to drive all the way in from Bloomer on a Saturday morning. Nobody had ever done that for me before. Nothing has ever reaffirmed (or affirmed, to be truthful) my faith, maybe not in mankind, but in people, like talking with my audience, learning a little about them, maybe sharing a laugh. And that, in long, is why I feel pretty happy these days, and lucky.
And also what I told Mrs. Davis-Willard after the show (she was trying to explain what her husband was getting at, which was really cute, too) that I’m just happy to get up in the morning. “That’s what I’ll tell him!” she said.

The Statistically Average Tea Partier

May 4, 2010

The much anticipated profile of the statistically average tea partier has come out:

1. 80% male, 100% white.
2. No discernable ethnicity.
3. Tweets but does not follow.
4. Votes only for write-in candidates.
5. Believes he has won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
6. Reveres the Boston patriots although personally would have stayed with England.
7. 5 times as likely to use stool softeners.
8. Drives a Buick.
9. Believes that flying a plane into the IRS is wrong but understandable.
10. Has a jpeg of Sarah Palin stretching in her warm-ups in a locked file on his PC.
11. Pays off his Visa card monthly.
12. Practices lawn care.
13. Thinks there will never be another Everett Dirksen.
14. Tips 10%, and only if the service is good.
15. Did not respond to this survey.

All the News That Isn’t from Michael Feldman

May 3, 2010

May 3, 2010

On the Gulf oil platform disaster: All I know is, you put in a toilet—a toilet—and you have to put in a cutoff valve. It’s the law.

President Obama does not tell Brownie “you’ve done a heckuva job.”

Immediately deployed to the correspondents dinner to have a look for himself.

British petroleum is coming! British Petroleum is coming!
One if by land, two if by—never mind, it’s already here.

BP is referring to the disaster as “a spot of bother I must say.”

The rig was in the Gulf but the wellhead is in London. Spouting off more than Gordon Brown.

Thank God it wasn’t Yiddish Petroleum—we have enough trouble.

The good news is the British like their kippers packed in oil.

In retaliation for the wind farm off the Kennedy compound, the Kennedys are pushing a BP platform off the Bush compound.

The car bomb found in Times Square—fire crackers tied to a cat—now seen as less deadly than first thought.

Chairman of Goldman Sachs draws a Blankfein in front of committee.

There will be a controlled burn of the oil slick he released.

Goldman left holding the Sachs.

Goldfinger and Sachs.

Hard times for these guys—you can’t tie the oldest daughter to the train tracks anymore.

I say throw the TARP over him. You want transparency, make him disappear.

Although it makes sense from a business standpoint; I bet my investments will fail.

Congress is biting the hand that feeds it, but they’re doing it gingerly, like your doggy anxious for the treat.

After missing several days of tee times, Republicans relent on bringing financial reform bill to the floor. The Tee Party. Dems were taking divots out of ‘em.

Shakira goes to Arizona to straighten out this immigration thing, is shipped back to Bogotá in a steel drum.

The governor of Arizona turns to WhiteFacebook to make her case on immigration.

The French church is turning to Craig’s List to attract priests.

Iran comes out with its version of the iPad, the ineedashaveabadPad.

Post Office to cut costs by going back to ponies.

Man who smuggled song birds in his pants to be Birds-in-pants man of Alcatraz.

Iceland will fire up the volcano again to soften up Europe for a full scale Viking invasion.
Eric the Sooty.

Physicist Stephen Hawking says space aliens have “To Serve Mankind” cookbook.

The first time Tiger couldn’t make it at Quail Hollow. Just tired.

Men encouraged to do colon self exams. There’s an app for it.

California’s Santa Clara county rips Happy Meals out of the tiny hands of inconsolable toddlers, stomps Ronald McDonald to death in front of them—but it’s for their own good—

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .